All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
I thought I came here to hook up, not for a Study Abroad 101 session
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
