HIV tests are more positive than that guy
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
