Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Is it because I queefed?
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Randomize
