There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
