I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
so far i wrote 500 words for a paper on sean paul performing we be burnin..i can officially do anything on adderral
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize
