Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize