i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Randomize
