Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
