Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Randomize
