So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Randomize
