I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
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