The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
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