while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
