in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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