I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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