Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Randomize
