"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
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