Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
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