Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
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