I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
These 19 Guys Hit The Cougar Jackpot
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
35 Disappointing People Who Failed At Sexting
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.