guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
These 25 Normal Couples Tried Porn Moves During Sex And It Ended Horribly
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
23 People Have Step Parents That Are Younger Than Them
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there