I am full of burrito and curiosity
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
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He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
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I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.