Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
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