Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
