remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Randomize
