omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
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