Please don't use social media to get back at me.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Randomize
