Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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