I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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