I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
