All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Randomize
