1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
