i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
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