i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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