You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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