you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
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