I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
Of course I have a pirate flag
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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