guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
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