Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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