i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
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