I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
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