marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
