If that was your dad, he is hot
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Randomize