1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
