Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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