Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
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