Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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