wakey wakey hands off snakey
The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
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