i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize
