haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
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