i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
Thank you for not boning my boss.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
Randomize
