My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
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