I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
