OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
We're not piercing ourselves today.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Randomize
