I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
Everytime we come here you have an ex here.
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
