Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
we made out on top of his cat.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
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